Alone But Not Lonely (With Michaela Chung)

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely.

Michaela Chung is the founder and author of Introvert Spring and a long time friend of The Haven.

I spoke with her in 2015 when we explored 7 keys for connection as introverts. We looked at some of the ideas from an e-book she wrote called Alone but Not Lonely, which was a helpful guide for considering how to navigate this distinction. We might experience loneliness when it feels like we don’t belong. This can be amplified for introverts and highly sensitive people when the dominant stories in the cultures around them is that it’s not OK to be who they are.

In this conversation, we explore themes of self-acceptance, the stories we tell ourselves, and the solitude habits we engage with that can help or hinder our feelings of connection.

Understanding The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

Key 1: Understand and Embrace Your Introversion

People might assume you are lonely if you enjoy spending time alone. Like the story of shyness (having natural quietness interpreted as anxiety), comfort with solitude can feel like a flaw if it’s being judged as such by those around us.

Michaela talks about the freedom introverts can experience when they find validation and acceptance of their preferences. Knowing there is nothing wrong with you is a big part of growing confidence in oneself and feeling less lonely.

Self-knowledge and understanding can help us navigate extroverted spaces and establish healthy conditions in relationships. Rather than ceding to the temptation to cut and run, we can be intentional and work WITH our natural rhythms and preferences. This means that we can find a way to make things work for us instead of believing we can’t do the things we wish we could.

Key 2: Be Intentional About Your Alone Time

If we feel dysregulated and without adequate co-regulation, nourishing solitude is inaccessible. How connected we feel is the difference between being lonely and alone.

Not all solitude is created equally. How do we ensure the time we spend alone is truly recharging rather than numbing? We talked about carving out better and more effective times of solitude that serve to truly recharge us rather than leave us with thoughts and worries bouncing around our minds

Is there such a thing as too much alone time? If so, what does that look like for us?

Step 3: Find The Right People

Co-regulation and community are vital for all of us, including introverts. We talk about how and where to find the right people for us and how to turn connections into deep and meaningful friendships over time.

Step 4: Energise Before You Socialise

We might see energy like money. It’s something we budget and save so we can spend it on the stuff that matters. This means knowing what we want to say yes to, and as such, what we will need to limit or deny so that we have the energy required for the stuff that matters.

Step 5: Get Out Of Your Head And Into The Now

Michaela talked about cultivating anchoring moments to bring her out of rumination and into the present. She uses a mantra to do this when she notices herself drifting. Many of us spend time worrying about the future and going over the past in unproductive ways. This kind of rumination can increase our sense of disconnection and feelings of unbelonging because they tend to feed a story of isolation and loneliness. So, how can we avoid letting this gift of deep thinking fall off into self-sabotage?

Step 6: Turn Boring Small Talk Into Interesting Conversation

Laurie Helgoe writes, “let‘s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people”. We discussed this idea and explored how to build bridges of connection through small talk to go naturally deeper in our conversations.

Step 7: Deepen Connections The Introverted Way

Michaela and I talked about vulnerability, radical honesty, and the role of creativity in connection. Also, the joy of not fitting into conventional ways of being in the world. There can be something beautiful about gently rebelling through self-acceptance and playful resistance to the things that just don’t fit us.

Watch The Conversation

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