Inner Relationship Focusing and Deep Sensitivity (with Emily Agnew)

The Haven (Private Podcast): (Protected Content)

I had the opportunity to speak with Emily Agnew—founder of SustainablySensitive.com, musician, and a practitioner of Inner Relationship Focusing and Inner Bonding. Our conversation explored the lived experience of being a deeply sensitive person. It also looked at how to better understand and support ourselves in a world that often feels overstimulating.

The Nervous System Under Pressure

Emily and I both know what it’s like to face a crowd with an instrument in hand and feel your body betray your skill. That shaky feeling, the dry mouth, the throat that tightens inexplicably—these aren’t signs of poor preparation. Instead, they are signs of the stress system taking over for deeply sensitive individuals.

Elaine Aron’s original HSP self-test includes a phrase that resonated strongly for both of us: “When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise.” For Emily, this manifested in orchestral auditions. For me, it’s often been in live gigs. Even when I didn’t feel particularly nervous, the physiological effects of stress were still very real. These included sore throats, constricted breath, and blocked expression.

We discussed how these intense, high-stakes moments don’t need to feel like threats to our nervous system. This is possible if we learn how to work with the energy rather than fight it. Understanding this can be crucial for deeply sensitive people.

Practices that Build Inner Stability

A major theme of our conversation was how we can create sustainable inner infrastructure as sensitive people. These are habits and practices that support us in both the steady rhythms of everyday life and the occasional spike of performance, pressure, or unpredictability.

Emily spoke about the importance of embodied practices like yoga and breath work. However, she also acknowledged that these sometimes wore off in the face of acute stress. What’s needed, she argues, is an ability to relate to the parts of us that get overwhelmed rather than push them aside or power through. This is especially important for those who are deeply sensitive.

Understanding the Inner Selves

This is where Emily’s work in Inner Relationship Focusing comes in. It’s a gentle, yet powerful, method of turning toward our emotions and inner voices with curiosity and compassion. Rather than becoming consumed by a thought like “I’m anxious”, Emily encourages us to shift our language to “I’m sensing something in me feels anxious.” This creates a bit of spaciousness. It is a subtle but vital reorientation from identification to relationship.

In practical terms, this means learning how to identify when an overwhelmed part of us is trying to take the wheel. Emily used the metaphor of a child driving a car. A six-year-old can’t reach the pedals and see over the dashboard at the same time. When our younger selves, shaped by earlier experiences or subtle traumas, are still steering our responses, things understandably go awry. This perspective is particularly helpful for deeply sensitive individuals.

That was meant to be the idea behind this week’s episode artwork—though, in hindsight, the characters in the car seem a little too cheerful to represent inner panic. Perhaps the image carries a meaning I haven’t uncovered yet. Or maybe I just didn’t want to re-do it.

Tiny Traumas and Stuck Parts

One of the most valuable insights Emily offered was about how even small, everyday moments can leave lasting impressions on our nervous system. These aren’t the kinds of events we usually associate with trauma. However, for deeply sensitive people, experiences of being misunderstood, dismissed, or emotionally overwhelmed can fragment the psyche in subtle ways.

Emily describes these parts of us as “hermetically sealed,” often stuck in a time loop. They continue to react to life as if we were still in that old, unresolved situation. Through Focusing, she helps people create enough space to listen to these inner voices and allow them to move forward again.

The Power of Being Witnessed

Another core theme was the importance of partnership. Whether through Focusing, coaching, or other forms of support, having someone else to help us gently question our assumptions and reflect our inner experience can open up whole new levels of clarity. It’s not about getting advice. Rather, it’s about being met where we are.

This is particularly crucial for sensitive people who often feel deeply but struggle to clearly articulate what’s beneath the surface. Emily noted that developing a vocabulary for needs—not just feelings—was transformative in her own journey. Especially for the deeply sensitive, understanding these needs is essential.

Beyond One-Size-Fits-All Self-Care

We wrapped up with a discussion on designing personal practices. It’s easy to read articles and know what you should be doing for self-care, but much harder to actually want to do those things. Emily’s approach isn’t to prescribe routines. Instead, it helps people identify what’s getting in the way, and to adjust the practice until it feels like a fit. Not every strategy will work for everyone, and that’s okay.

Resources Mentioned

If any of this resonates with you, I recommend exploring the following:

• SustainablySensitive.com – Emily’s website, with over 100 articles on sensitivity and inner work
• Focusing.org – Learn more about the Focusing method and find training opportunities
• Breath-Body-Mind.com – Breath and movement practices for nervous system regulation
• SerenityIsland.me – An interactive course designed to help you play your way home to yourself

There’s no quick fix for being deeply sensitive in a fast-moving world. But there are ways to move through it with more clarity, calm, and compassion. Emily’s work is a powerful reminder that the goal isn’t to toughen up or block things out, but to relate to ourselves with enough inner steadiness. Thus, we can stay present, even in the midst of chaos.