The Urge to Explain, Justify, and Tidy Feelings

When do you sense the urge to explain, justify, or tidy what you feel?

This was our question for the week, and in this week’s Notes From a Slow Coach, I want to reflect on some of the angles we’ve been exploring in response to it.

I need to start with a disclaimer. I’ve not had time to polish this note. If I had more time, I could have made it better…Oh, there we go, our first example.

The urge to explain, justify, and tidy things comes in preparing others for disappointment. Sound familiar? Sometimes the urge to say “it would have been better if…” or “don’t get your hopes up” can be strong when sharing work, giving gifts, or responding to someone’s excited expectations.

Over-Preparing and Bracing

We might over-prepare before sharing a feeling or making a request. Rehearsing conversations, anticipating negative responses, and bracing for the imagined push-back. At its best, this can help us feel more confident and ready. At its worst, this vigilance becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; bracing can invite the reaction it fears.

Observation Over-Reach and Unnecessary Conflict

It can frustrate people when we don’t say what we are feeling. We might hear (and say to others), “Why didn’t you just say so?” when something is harboured beneath the surface, unaddressed.

Highly sensitive people notice small details. They might pick up on comments that don’t mean anything, but interpret them as signs of strong feelings. Conversely, we might say things out of politeness, which then become a story the other person exaggerates in their mind, feeling resentful if their thoughtfulness isn’t adequately recognised.

For example, an off-the-cuff comment like “mmm, this is tasty coffee”, when visiting friends, might be interpreted by a partner as “oh, they prefer this coffee to what we have at home” or even “they hate the coffee we have at home”. So, they replace the home coffee. But you don’t notice. Or perhaps you wonder why the coffee tastes different.

“It was you who said you preferred this!”

This is a trivial example, but it may seem familiar, especially if you tend to try to please others or know people who do. Passing comments can be stretched out of proportion, taken personally, and cause unnecessary conflict.

Self-Censoring in Creativity

In a creative context, the urge to explain, justify, or tidy feelings can lead to self-censorship during the creative phase. We hold back from exploring the proverbial canvas with freedom, shutting down feelings, forcing coherence, and shaping the work for an imagined audience, assessing its worth through that lens.

A strong superego presence that prohibits specific thoughts, feelings, or modes of expression can lead us to tidy feelings into boxes of acceptability, taking the edge off by sanding down language to smooth out jagged lines.

Standing Firm in The Face of Misunderstanding

“I feel compelled to do those things when I seek clarity or feel there’s been a misunderstanding- however, I’ve also grown accustomed to welcoming the discomfort of being misunderstood- for just as water rises at its own weight, so too understanding. Sometimes- no matter how articulate we are- a person will not and cannot comprehend what they are not first willing to embrace.” – Sage (on Instagram)

The temptation to explain, retreat, or tidy our feelings can arise when faced with fear (and the reality) of misunderstanding. In truth, people hear what they are prepared to hear. And in this reactive, fast-paced age, we aren’t encouraged to take the time to understand context and intentions better.

We hear one another through the soundtrack playing in our nervous systems. No matter how much we clarify, explain, justify, and tidy, it’s nearly impossible to change someone’s mind. This can lead to criticism and misinterpretation. The urge to avoid discomfort might cause us to drain the original spirit and lose sight and dilute what matters most to us.

Diluting Strong Feelings to Fit

The urge to tidy also occurs when a strong feeling emerges, and we worry about occupying too much space. We might integrate our response, preference, or opinion into the other person’s perspective, or play it down. If it is not perceived as shared by others, we might dilute it to avoid judgement or offence. And even when it doesn’t contradict anyone else’s view, we diminish its importance to us to manage other people’s feelings.

Explaining The Intuitive Nudge

It happens with intuitive nudges too, which are more complicated to explain because they lack obvious substance. “I just know” requires confidence to give shape to, especially in the face of scepticism. There’s a chance it might be wrong, and without confidence instilled by others (“you normally have a good sense for these things…I trust you”), we are more likely to explain away and talk ourselves out of it. How many times have you thought, “I wish I’d gone with my gut rather than overthinking it and changing my mind”?

Likewise, do we stop positive sparks by explaining, justifying, or tidying them? Convincing ourselves they are bad ideas, questioning our motives, or fearing what people will think? How many nudges have been shut down before they had room to breathe? How many wishes, desires, or hopes have been snuffed out before anyone else even heard them?

It’s hard to maintain confidence without people who get it.

The Urge As a Healthy Conscience

Sometimes the urge is healthy and helpful. It might be our conscience recognising that it is unfair to act on feelings without communicating them. Responsibilities and relationships might require a considered explanation or a more concise expression of frustration rather than a reactive outburst of anger.

An External Urge

There are also times when an urge to explain or justify a course of action is triggered by an external source. This can be justified as part of accountability. If people don’t understand why we have chosen a particular approach, or if it’s so far outside the norm that they find it hard to connect the dots, they might need some additional explanation. It is not necessarily an attack when someone says they don’t understand what we’re feeling and why. Perhaps it’s curiosity, or a wish to get involved, but lacking a current frame of reference.

Filtering Questions

So, how can we determine if the urge is valid, helpful, and worth responding to? We might ask ourselves some questions to help us focus when we feel it.

• What does this urge want to protect? (a relationship, my self-image, my comfort, my safety)
• How important is it to me right now?
• What am I imagining or anticipating? What is the evidence that tells me this story is true?
• What will I lose if I explain, justify, or tidy what I feel?
• What will I gain if I explain, justify, or tidy what I feel?
• If I didn’t have to justify anything, what would I choose to do right now?
• How could I explain from a position of confidence?

What else helps you determine whether an urge to explain, justify, or tidy what you feel is valid or not? I’d love to hear from you if you have anything to share on this one. Get in touch here.