True Belonging in The Wilderness
True Belonging in The Wilderness first appeared in The Haven in October 2019. The article was updated in October 2024.
In an extract from her book, Brené Brown says that True Belonging “is not something you negotiate externally, it’s what you carry in your heart. It’s finding the sacredness in being a part of something. When we reach this place, even momentarily, we belong everywhere and nowhere.”
Can you think of any times you’ve felt this kind of True Belonging?
In some ways, True Belonging is like love or happiness—the proverbial bar of soap that slips out of our hands before we can fully articulate how it feels. Brené Brown’s exploration offers valuable insights into shaping a life of True Belonging, especially where we might be looking in the wrong places.
Defining Belonging: From Fitting In to Standing Alone
In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown describes belonging as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
While there’s great truth in this, Brown felt it wasn’t the full picture. In her book Braving The Wilderness, she refined the idea, suggesting that “The Quest for True Belonging” requires “the Courage to Stand Alone.”
The Paradox of Standing Alone to Belong
There’s something beautifully paradoxical about this idea: we truly belong when we gain the courage to stand alone.
It makes sense. True Belonging is the antidote to a crisis of disconnection, and this crisis deepens when we fail to traverse the liminal space between groups. Braving the wilderness requires us to stand alone, facing “uncertainty, vulnerability, and criticism.” This is the very definition of wilderness, particularly when the world feels hostile, “like a political and ideological combat zone.”
We become tied to the need to fit in, gain approval, and serve the group. But there’s a deeper call for belonging—a connection through love and the human spirit. As Brown says, “No matter how separated we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story.”
The Dance of Authenticity and Vulnerability
As you explore the paradox of standing alone to belong, it’s important to highlight the delicate dance between authenticity and vulnerability. True Belonging invites us to bring our whole selves into relationships, yet this act requires a willingness to be vulnerable. When we embrace our imperfections and share our authentic selves, we create spaces for genuine connection. This authenticity fosters deeper relationships, as it allows others to feel safe to do the same, contributing to a culture of mutual acceptance.
John Taylor: Braving the Wilderness
This reminds me of the story of Welsh rugby player John Taylor, who boycotted playing against South Africa during apartheid, both for Wales and as a British and Irish Lion. Taylor’s stand meant he didn’t go down in history as one of the great players and was criticised by the rugby establishment for bringing politics into sport.
This was Taylor’s wilderness, and he was willing to brave it. He stood connected by love and the human spirit, witnessing a truth he felt deeply. The black South African players who weren’t allowed to play for the main Springbok team saw Taylor as a true rugby legend and their hero. This is True Belonging—beyond the approval and safety that come from fitting in.
Self-Belief and True Belonging
Brené Brown says, “Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours.”
When I read this, I was reminded of G.K. Chesterton’s words in Orthodoxy: “The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums… Complete self-confidence is not merely a sin; complete self-confidence is a weakness.”
How do these ideas fit together? At first, this seemed like an impasse, but after reflection, I found a deeper resonance. Chesterton refers to belief in a false idol of self—belief in an idea about oneself that one wants to be true.
Brown, on the other hand, refers to a belief rooted in trust in the wilderness—trust in intuition, compassion, and empathetic connection to the world. True Belonging happens when we trust this voice over the one that tells us to fit in, seek approval, and conform.
Becoming the Wilderness
Brown says, “The special courage it takes to experience true belonging is not just about braving the wilderness; it’s about becoming the wilderness.” Once we disconnect from the things that separate us, we must become the heartland of connection with those different from us. This means signing up, taking a seat at the table, and learning to have hard conversations, seek moments of joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive.
Navigating the Wilderness Together
In navigating this wilderness, we often embark on a collective journey. True Belonging flourishes in communities where individuals support one another in their vulnerabilities. By sharing stories of our wilderness experiences, we forge connections that transcend superficiality. These shared experiences highlight our common humanity and remind us that we are not alone in our struggles.
Cultivating Belonging in Everyday Life
While the journey to True Belonging may feel monumental, it’s often found in everyday actions. Consider small, intentional practices that foster belonging in your daily life. This might include reaching out to someone for a chat, joining a community group, or embracing moments of solitude as opportunities for self-discovery. These actions can help create a culture of belonging that feels accessible and achievable.
The Transformative Power of Compassion
Finally, remember the role of compassion—both for ourselves and others—in the journey towards True Belonging. As we learn to be compassionate towards our own imperfections, we become more capable of extending that compassion to those around us. This creates a ripple effect, fostering environments where everyone feels safe to express their authentic selves.
Forging Our Own Path
As Joseph Campbell said, “If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.”
This brings us back to where we began:
True Belonging is not something external, but something carried in the heart. It is finding the sacredness of being part of something bigger than ourselves. And when we reach this place, we belong everywhere and nowhere.
Sharing Our Wilderness
When have you found yourself in the wilderness of True Belonging?
I would love to hear your experiences of this. We can encourage one another to realise that True Belonging isn’t just an outlandish concept but a real and tangible way of living on the outside and bringing belonging to life.
