They Know What They Are Doing | Kota

The Haven (Private Podcast): (Protected Content)

We met in The Haven Kota to explore the prompt, “They know what they are doing“. This led to a rich discussion about high sensitivity, confidence, collaboration, and people-pleasing (among other things).

By bouncing the emphasis through the phrase, we found radically different ways to interpret it. We explored how it speaks to a highly sensitive temperament and nervous system. I have tried to summarise some of the ideas around each one below. An audio version is available through the private podcast feed and on this page if you’re signed into The Haven.

THEY know what they are doing

We often compare what we know about ourselves with what we believe about others. This story might default to the message that we don’t fit in. We might assume other people’s opinions are more worthy and valuable than ours because they express them assertively.

• Where do you currently feel this story of separation?
• How do you hold your preferences, opinions, and values when they conflict with someone who expresses their views assertively?

They KNOW what they are doing

A preference for collaboration and cooperation are linked with high sensitivity. But this gets overlooked in cultures, communities, and organisations that value and celebrate personal success and individual competitiveness above all else.

When confidence trumps competence, a competitive blame culture can emerge. This makes it unsafe to make mistakes, express creative ideas, and ask questions, which can be particularly difficult for HSPs.

• When have you encountered someone who used confidence to compensate for a lack of competence?
• What is your automatic response when someone confidently declares that they know what they’re doing?
• How would you approach a situation when you have more experience and understanding than the person in charge?

They know WHAT they are doing

When we come to a new challenge, we might feel overwhelmed by all we don’t know. When cultivating conditions of openness and safety, we can add a word that moves us from fear to possibility: I don’t know what I’m doing…YET.

The “what” is a concrete object we can build and grow around. Once we know WHAT it is we’re doing (or want to do), we have clarity to work out HOW we want to approach it.

For highly sensitive people, this process often involves involves some solitude. Once we have the information, we might naturally prefer to figure out what we’re doing alone. This gives us space to try things out, get a feel for how we want to do it and build confidence in what we’re doing.

Another thing HSPs tend to do is take time to observe before acting. In new situations we might identify and follow someone who can show us the ropes (whether they are aware of it or not). In time we will learn the “rules” and work out which ones to push back against (and why!)

• When did you choose to approach something completely differently than how others were suggesting you do it?
• How do you feel about learning something new in front of other people?
• What elements make the best conditions for you to learn, grow, and change effectively?

They know what THEY are doing

Highly sensitive people might downplay knowledge, experience, and confidence out of concern for the other person’s feelings.

On the one hand, this can be an empathetic gift in a mentoring role as we support the person to come to their own understanding, awareness, and autonomy. On the other hand, it can leave us feeling less than we want to be as we hide our light under a bushel and conceal our preferences and desires.

We might keep parts of ourselves back to maintain a peaceful relationship, but this can leave it lopsided. This might be an autonomic nervous system pattern shaped by environments where acceptance was conditional on dulling your light to keep others happy.

Meaningful collaborations encourage everyone’s light to shine so that all involved can bring out the best in themselves. By truly getting to know one another, we explore new levels of potential together without overshadowing or playing small.

• What is your experience of collaborating with other people? Do you feel tempted to take responsibility for aspects of the relationship that aren’t yours to control?
• How are you with trusting others to do what THEY are doing?
• What is the cost of not being clear about boundaries when ensuring people know what THEY are doing?

They know what they ARE doing

When kids play, they don’t often require explanation or exposition. It just happens.

When we embrace what we ARE at the level of being, we don’t worry so much about doing things correctly. We flow with life as a playful game, absorbing and embracing new players, conditions, and shifts when they arise.

First impressions in the face of creativity almost always carry a flavour of rejection. Assimilating to the prospect of change and novelty takes a little time. There is a danger of jumping to self-judgement in that liminal moment when people are yet to understand or comprehend.

In the space between our words and their official response, we might think, “They hate my idea”, “they think I’m a fool”, “I’m not cut out for this”, etc.

But the more familiar we become with who we are, how we hold the world, and what matters to us (beyond what others think of us), the more we can remain grounded in collaborative curiosity.

• What is the story from your nervous system when you speak up with creative ideas or suggestions for change?
• How do you remind yourself of what matters most when encountering potential judgement and criticism?
• Who inspires you with their ability to stay true to themselves under pressure?

They know what they are DOING

What are the implications of their choices, actions, and endeavours?

Are they building or tearing down? Conquering or collaborating? Creating a desirable and better future or sacrificing long-term sustainability for short-term rewards?

When we meet the moment with expectancy, we are ready to receive whatever it has in store for us this time. Conversely, expectation anticipates a particular outcome based on previous knowledge and experience. Expectancy awaits and observes; expectation predicts and confirms.

Many HSPs view our place in the world as collaborating with nature, other people, and the projects we embark on. A beginner’s mind is an attitude of openness and eagerness to receive and learn. This can help us create environments and conditions for more playfulness, humour, and fun. We encounter the world and experience it like it’s brand new, which allows us to sense, become aware of, and understand things in ways we might otherwise overlook or be oblivious to.

• What is something you do that benefits from a “beginner’s mind”?
• Where do you like to go with a sense of expectancy rather than expectation?
• What sort of world do you want to be part of building for the future? What helps and hinders that potential?

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